Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
