she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
