just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
