You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
