My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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