Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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