Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
