Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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