Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
