hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
do herpes really smell.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
