thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
