Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
