I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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