You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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