i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
