Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
