I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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