DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
