I'd wear matching sweaters with you
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
