I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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