question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
