im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
