Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
