he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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