I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize