I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
