I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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