i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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