She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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