Just fell off a train. Bad.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize