I hate your face
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
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There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
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I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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