We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
