i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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