I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
