aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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