Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
