I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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