someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
