This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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