Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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