i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
