onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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