I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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