Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
