my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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