You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
