Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
