We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
