Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
