I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
