You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
try to milk me bitch
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
