I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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