our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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