I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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