I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
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Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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