Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
