Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
