Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
