Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
