I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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