You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
