Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
